You’re going to be gone for the whole weekend. You don’t know whether the phone signal is going to be strong enough for you to keep in contact.
We might not get to talk for two whole days, you said.
I’ll be fine, you just have fun, I said.
It’s going to be so lonely without you. It’s just two days but I’m going to feel so empty. I’ll miss you so much. I hope you’ll miss me too.. and these are all the words I should’ve said.
You made me realize that I don’t want to be alone, and that scares the shit out of me.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I don’t.
I believe that love is something created over time, and that we all have the tendency to fall in love with each other. Sometime life is good and people are drawn together. If they managed to stay to together in spite of all the difficulties, they will find themselves falling more and more in love each day.
We didn’t even make it through the first two months. I could have been in love with you and you could’ve loved me dearly, but no, you had to walk away because of your fear for relationships. I was too tired and brokenhearted to care. Nobody had ever stuck around before, and I’m too worn out to chase another hopeless case. I’m sorry, but I hope you understand.
It’s been almost a week now that we aren’t talking. It’s quite weird for me since you had been my source of pleasure for the past two months. There are no better words to describe how I feel other than “I miss us.” I miss your voice on the phone and how easy it was for me to talk to you. I miss those simple text messages showing me that you care, and the butterflies I feel in stomach as I read through those messages a couple times. Now its all gone. How could I read the signs so wrong? In a way, I guess I’m still holding out. It’s summer, so I’m leaving everything in between. I’m not going to go out of my way to say goodbye to you, because I don’t know how, but I’m not going to be that girl who sits around pining for you anymore. Still, I’m always up lonely at night. If you ever find yourself up in the middle of the night feeling as lonely as hell, just give me a call, okay?
I know. It’s stupid. I just talked to you yesterday, but lately you seemed so distant.I would’ve asked you what’s wrong, but I don’t think I’m in the position to do so. That’s what sucks so bad. Here I am, knowing perfectly clear how I feel about you, and how you feel about me, but I simply can’t just reach out and close the distance between us. To be honest? I’m terrified. What if you change your mind the moment I tell you how I feel? What if you changed your mind already? I don’t know a thing, except that I’ve been here waiting since I first woke up for that simple message from you. The same one I took for granted just several weeks ago. This is stupid, but I miss you all the same.
I can’t help my tears and it’s frustrating. It’s not like I am one of those emotional people who breaks down at the slightest hint of hardship. In fact, I’ve never really cried in front of anyone. Well, I cried when my best friend went away and I cried when I fell off a horse and it physically hurt, but I’ve never cried for myself in front of anyone. Even when the tears threaten to fall, I push it all back inside, just to break down later when I’m alone at night. I’ve been crying myself to sleep a lot lately and it just gets even more ridiculous. I hate not being able to control my emotions. I hate the thought of being so weak.
Right, so I’m selfish, unreasonable, arrogant, and the worse daughter possible. Anything else to say, Mom? Just say it all out now, just go on and blame me. I’m so sick and tired of you trying to shove your ideas down my throat. I’m not like you, Mom. I don’t go around judging things I don’t understand. According to you, I’m just simply selfish because I refused to help him, and apparently, you. I had always been there for you Mom, even when you weren’t there for me, but that’s okay, I got used to having no one during my hardest times. Funny thing though, is that you claim to know me so well, but you couldn’t tell that I was having a nervous breakdown. You couldn’t tell that lately depression’s been getting to me and I don’t actually feel ‘right’ in my mind either. You couldn’t tell at all. So maybe it really is my fault Mom, and I’m just that selfish daughter you can’t control. These words that I’ve wrote so many times before…something’s different though. This time, I”m not sorry, Mom. I can’t please you, and I’m tired of trying. It’s a shame you couldn’t understand.
First day back to school and I walked through the day like a zombie. I don’t know what the feeling was, but I’m just more unsure than ever. Whatever faith I used to have, I’ve lost them somewhere along the lines. I used to tell myself there were still people who cared, people who understood, but I can’t anymore. Even the very best of friends couldn’t lift up my mood, and it’s not even their fault. I’m too tired to make excuses and somehow people are hating me for that. Surprisingly, I couldn’t care care less.
I want to live spontaneously, I want to feel infinite. I don’t want my whole life planned out in an organized, boring, and secured way; and now I’m scared because that’s exactly where I’m headed. I want someone to open up my eyes and make me see things I never thought I could, I want someone to make everything worth it. All I want everything that I can’t have. All I have is this feeling that I’m waiting and waiting for something that won’t happen any time soon. I fucking hate this place and I don’t want to be here anymore.
