So fucking lonely on a typical tuesday night hahahahahahAHAHAHAHAH. Nobody likes me and I don’t even like myself anymore yay.

My parents are away and instead of sneaking out and doing things I’m just sitting here being lonely and bored. I felt like I haven’t talked to a human being for so long. My interpersonal skills are deteriorating at a pathetically fast rate. I should go back to my studying since I have an AP Comparative Government exam tomorrow… which I am looking forward to… not. 

I feel really lonely and depressed right now and all my friends can say is ‘You jealous bitch’ and ‘Oh gosh, you’re fucking emo.’

Thanks. Thanks a lot. You guys make me feel so loved. 

I haven’t been sad for what seems like a month now. I have been coping quite well with the fact that everyday I have to go to school and watch the boy I once thought was special parade around with his new girl who everyone seems to love so much. I have been dealing pretty well with that. I honestly am. No breakdowns or anything, I swear. I don’t even want him back. It’s just that I saw the poll on facebook voting for king and queen for the upcoming prom, and it’s really hard. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because a part of me still think that he should have been my prom date, but I doubt it. Like I said, I am over the boy. It just kinda sucks the way people go around calling them cute and voting for them to be the couple of the year. Maybe I feel this way because I’m fucking selfish, or maybe just because it hurts to see someone who hurt me so bad get praised by a lot of my so-called friends. At least they could have had the decency of lying to me and telling me they think he’s a dick. That would have felt nice.

Ugh truth be told maybe I’m just whining like an annoying bitch because my best friends are all in love and they can’t help being happy and I want to be happy for them but sometimes it’s hard to keep it all inside because with each and every passing day I just feel more ugly and repulsive. I feel like I’m not worth anyone’s attention, let alone their affection. Hah. I don’t even fucking like myself anymore. It’s just tiring sometimes. I wish this school year was over already. 

Okay no more whining. Everybody hate whiny bitches. 

Had a (hopefully) successful attempt at the pottery studio today. Can’t wait to see my work after it’s done firing. 

Finally, FINALLY got the CD of Paramore’s new album. Can’t believe I have to wait this long. Oh well, at least the delay means I can already scream along to all the songs. Yay! :D

I want to tell you that you’re beautiful. I don’t think you’re perfect, but I will learn to love your flaws, with the hope that you will do the same for me. I want to apologize in advance for being the person that I am. I don’t look like a mess, and that’s the problem. I’m the kind of person that seems to have it all together, but I’m dont. I don’t say the things I feel, and I won’t show the slightest bit of affection until you’ve given me your all. I’m sorry, but past experiences have affected me more than I let show. If you are willing to be patient with me, I will become a lovable person. I will give you all that I have, even though it’s not much. I’ll be the one who recognizes the slightest bit of worry in your eyes and stay by your side until it becomes peaceful again. I’ll be the one you can call at 2 am when you wake up from a horrible nightmare, or simply when loneliness is eating you alive. I’ll be there, because I’ll need you too. Life is complicated, and I just wish we didn’t have to spend so much time apart. I wish I can intertwine my hand with yours as I tell you all these things. I wish I can kiss you until you believe me. It’s too bad I just haven’t met you yet. 

I’m home and I hate it. I long to be back at the beaches where I feel so free. Ugh

You know what sucks? Finally being able to convince yourself that you’re over someone, and then going to bed at night just to dream that he came back. Fuck you dreams, that was really cruel. 

I’m turning seventeen in a hour and seventeen minutes, so I might as well spend the time reminiscing about being sixteen. 

Where do I start? I started out my first day of being sixteen with a group of friends. It wasn’t a sweet sixteen party or anything. It was just a simple gathering. We watched The Hunger Games at a mall and walked around eating anything affordable. It really was a simple, sweet day. 

Sixteen was also the year he came into my life. We have been in the same school for 13 years and I’ve never talked to him. I met him on a school trip to the beach in April, and my life was never the same. I started drinking more, lying to my parents to stay out late at night, and even smoking weed. He was definitely bad influence, but I was happy. I was happy to believe in love again. 

Summer came along and he left. School started and he went back to his ex. He broke up with her in a school trip to Indonesia. I was there. I was mad at him for treating her like crap, but we became friends again. One night we were hanging out with friends in a bar and he told me he was sorry. I cried and told him we had so much more to talk about. We went to a concert together and he held my hands. I don’t know what that meant, but I’ll never forget the way his fingers were intertwined with mine. We watched the fireworks and I smiled all the way back. Winter break came a long and there was a Christmas party at his cousin’s house. He got a bit tipsy and we left the party to watch the stars. He asked me for a second chance. I gave it to him. He thought Christmas was on December 24. We spent new years together crowded between thousands of people trying to breathe. He promised me he’ll be there to say goodnight every night that follows. His birthday came along and I told him I believed in him, and he told me I am very, very special to him. He was the first boy to ever made me feel that I was worth something after all. I swore right in that moment he believed he loved me. He told me it was my encouragement that got him through the stress of applying for universities. He called me to wish me good luck right before I took my SATs. Four months into it and I am positive I found a keeper. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

February came around and he started being distant. He’d have problems he only wanted to talk to with his friends, and he’d be gone for hours before bothering to answer any text messages. One day I finally asked him what the hell was wrong, and he told me he wanted to be alone. I cried. I remember how cold he was. I remember how I knew he was lying when he said I wasn’t the only one hurting. I remember how that goodbye left final, like I knew it was never going to be the same between us. He broke my heart with lies and no intention of looking back. He left me the way he left his ex-girlfriend, saying that he wants to be alone, but not waiting long before he ran to somebody else. We don’t talk, and I don’t want him back, but I still think of him everyday. Nobody has made me happier than him, but nobody has ever made me sadder as well.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to make this about a guy, but the truth is just that I spent sixteen infatuated with a guy who obviously doesn’t care about me. I I spent sixteen loving him, trusting him, being angry at him, being hurt by him. It’s time to let go.

Can, sixteen is yours. All the laughs, the late night talks, all the tears and the disappointments as well. It’s all yours. In the future, when I think of the year I was sixteen, I’ll think of you. But that will be all. I can not spend seventeen mourning over a love that wasn’t mine to keep. You hurt me, and I didn’t deserve that. I know that now.

I just have a feeling seventeen is going to be a good year, you know? Of course there will be nights where I feel I’ll never be happy again, but there will also be new beginnings, new strangers to befriend, and new dreams to pursue. It’s going to be overwhelming, it’s going to be boring, it’s going to be unexpected. I’ll breathe, I’ll laugh, and I’ll be just fine.